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Now is the time to show your expertise in water polo.
Or modern pentathalon.
Or rhythmic gymnastics.
Or, heaven forbid, synchronized swimming. I must say, though, that could be interesting if Martin Short, of Saturday Night Live fame, is the expert commentator.
Unless your TV went kaput two years ago and you decided to spend your money elsewhere, you know the opening ceremonies for the Olympics will be on Friday night from Beijing, China. It will be a time when NBC's talking heads will be commenting on how wonderful the program is while no one outside the production crew really has any idea what is going on.
For my money, give me that gal that sang "Reach Out and Touch Somebody's Hand" at Los Angeles in 1984 as the best show and a shaking Muhammad Ali lighting Atlanta's torch in 1996, but what else would you expect out of a red, white, and blue-blood?
What I do know is that for a little over two weeks, we will be inundated with sports that we Americans know nothing about and care less about for the 206 weeks between Olympic games.
There are some notable exceptions, of course. Many of us are keenly interested in Lexington native Tyson Gay's quest to become a gold medal sprinter and we'll be watching former Kentucky Wildcat Tayshaun Prince go for the basketball gold.
But for some reason, many of us would rather watch a bona fide pennant race - the Tampa Bay Rays? - than the coverage of shooting. We are more interested in whether Brett Favre's comeback means Brian Brohm will now be third string than a steeplechase race.
That's just the American sports fan.
I am sure there are some die-hards that will be reading this, then give a lecture concerning a failure to broaden horizons. After all, they will point out, the Olympic movement "building a peaceful and better world by educating youth through sport practised without discrimination of any kind and in the Olympic spirit, which requires mutual understanding with a spirit of friendship, solidarity and fair play."
At least that is what the International Olympic Committee's website says.
I counter by saying the only thing being broadened by the Olympic movement now is the athletes' wallets in some of the higher profile sports.
And fair play? Can you say "steroids."
OK, we will agree that most Olympians work hard and play by the rules. It's just cheaters like Marion Jones or Ben Johnson that get the headlines.
Peaceful and better world? Is that why there was a bomb at Atlanta? Or countless other inane acts? We grant that such actions were not by the athletes, but by sick individuals and that something has gone wrong.
Back in the day when I sat glued to Olympic coverage on TV, listening to "Bugler's Dream" and knowing that no one could cover the event like the late Jim McKay, I saw the Olympics, at least in part, for what they were intended to be - a celebration of sport.
I saw Dick Fosbury revolutionize the high jump with his flop that is now the standard form in the event. I saw Frank Shorter's worried look as he entered the stadium in the marathon, only to see an impostor running the track in front of him.
I saw a little West Virginia girl, Mary Lou Retton, captivate us all in gymnastics. One writer called her "Pete Rose in leotards."
But something happened along the way. Part of it had to be the fall of the Iron Curtain. It just was more fun watching American college kids defeat the Soviet or East German pros. But after the U.S. took, ahem, third place in basketball in 1988, we started using our own superstars.
And for some reason, it just doesn't seem to be the same. It seems the big concerns now are cost overruns, prime time scheduling and security issues. Unfortunately, all reflect the world in which we live.
But please excuse me if I can't get too excited about what used to be the grandest event of them all.
I have some pennant races to watch.
E-mail John Herndon at firstname.lastname@example.org